I have been divorced now for 2 years. Dating after marriage is very anxiety provoking for me. I did not date when I was younger like most people do and I was very naive for my age. Managing my issues and adjusting to marriage was very tough the first year. I got a staph infection due to the stress my now ex-wife caused when she moved to Idaho. It took me a year to regain my health. It took me 4 years to gain the strength to divorce her. Being on the spectrum I took my marriage vows very seriously, to the letter. Now I can add to those vows that it does not include abuse. I was her 5th husband and today I would never be with a person that has been married that many times. Since she was accepting of me with my Asbergers, I gave her a chance.
I did learn that due to my issues I need lots of down time in a relationship to destress. I question my ability to live with a person in a traditional way. I have now learned that I can not meet the obligations society has placed on men in general in regards to marriage.
Over the past year and a half I have been on 4 different dating sites. I met with women in different settings. I wanted to see if other women of color would treat me as my ex-wife did. I found that color does not define how a person treats another. Emotional abuse crosses all races and cultures.
I was challenged by a friend to meet 30 ladies. I managed to meet 29 ladies over a year and a half. I met some very nice women during this time. My goal was not to date any seriously but to listen and learn.
When I first started to meet women I felt motivated. I have now lost my motivation to meet a new special person. I was frustrated in some ways that the experience seemed like job interviews. Out of frustration I put together a dating resume that helps me, like a script, on a first date, but didn’t share the resume with anyone.
My desire is to meet a person that understands Asbergers and is self-supporting. I am at a good place at this point in my life and have a lot of positive things to offer. I am struggling with how to have a friendly relationship without being taken advantage of. I am setting limits, but that may mean ending a relationship, which is probably for the best in the long run.
I have regressed to earlier in my life where I felt a lack of confidence to handle a relationship due to my challenges. I now feel a relationship is like a job that I do not qualify for. I am trying to find the middle ground in today’s dating world. Will someone choose me? I hope so, although I am different, I do not fit into society’s box, I am kind and loving.
