Category: Asbergers

Navigating Relationships

Posted on by Gregory Wood

Since my divorce I have been making an attempt at online dating to learn about different types of people. I found that most of the ladies lack some basic functioning or live with their kids. I do feel some degree of independence is needed.  I say this because I have worked hard to have what I call a degree of responsibility and keep my business in order. For years I had trouble holding jobs. I felt I needed to figure out why. Therefore I did did not believe in dating or having kids after marriage. Why create more problems and stress for myself. In my brief marriage I did see my issues due to my Asberger diagnosis that were a lot more intense than I thought they were. I could never get my ex wife to learn to work with me.   

I met several woman who seem to think that I am stuck in my ways because I have been single most of my life. This is an example of how neurotypical people (in this case a female) mislabel people on the spectrum based on their ignorance of the characteristics of individuals who are neurodivergent. They look at my difficulty with change as being stuck in my ways. No different when I had a manager tell me years ago I lacked social skills. Some people get attached to certain beliefs, for example, stuck in their ways. Not a very common aspect of finding myself on the spectrum.  

I am finding at times I really want no part of the dating world because I work hard to function while most people, I am learning, seem to just go by the seat of their pants.  

Before and during Covid I did an experiment where I got on several online dating sites. My goal was to just meet people and see the different situations they are in without getting into a relationship. I did not want to make the same mistake as in my marriage. And with Asberger’s sometimes it was hard for me to see social cues in the dating world. I met over 50 people in a 3 year period. The experience taught me to see what I am not willing to get involved with. It was interesting to learn that many people are in some interesting situations. In the end it would be best to be with a person who is like me and who understands Asbergers.  

Autism: Man gives up on dating apps after ghosting

Posted on by Gregory Wood

By Sarah Easedale, BBC News

I have experienced the same thing that Andrew has after getting on dating apps . I have been off of them for a while and wonder at my age will I ever have the experience of a like minded partner. – Greg

Andrew Edwards isn’t giving up on love despite his autism making online dating difficult. Being ghosted, misunderstood and judged is how an autistic man has experienced dating apps. Andrew Edwards, 39, said there needs to be more support for autistic adults who are looking for romance.

He has given up on online dating after six years of trying, describing them as “demoralising”. Being autistic does not mean you have an illness or disease. It means your brain works in a different way from other people. “The constant ghosting is quite confusing for someone with autism,” Andrew said.

“Due to this my moods could fluctuate quite wildly depending on replies and my stress levels were affected quite greatly.” Andrew, used both conventional and autism-specific sites, and while he says he has learned from his experience and feels “less naive” now, his experience was not good.

“If people behave like that on the street to someone, it wouldn’t be acceptable,” he said. Andrew added that scrolling on the apps also played on his “obsessional nature”, as well. Andrew and Mel’s mother Hazel died after developing pneumonia following Covid-19. Andrew requires 24-hour care from his sister Mel after his mother died after developing pneumonia following Covid-19.

“I am articulate and knowledgeable but I require 24 hour care of my sister… a lot of people just don’t get this,” he said. Andrew has a busy life. He has a close family, plays cricket and trains at the gym several times a week, as well as working part time for an autism charity. But the lack of a romantic partner weighs heavily. Andrew says there must be other neurodiverse people who feel the same as him, and says local friendship or dating groups for people on the autism spectrum could help. He has tried to set up a group himself, but faced difficulties and found it too stressful to organize. There’s a lack of support and funding for those with autism who are adults… our services are geared towards youngsters,” he said.

“I would love to attend a group that could lead to possible romantic relationships. “People don’t judge as much (in person) as they do behind their phone screen.” She says she would love Andrew to find a girlfriend, but also believes that meeting someone face to face would suit him better.

“Obviously he has got a really full life, but it would be so nice for him to meet someone special because he’s got so much to give, and he would make somebody a lovely partner. “It would have to be someone very special for them to be right for each other.” Autistic people can have difficulty “reading” other people – recognising or understanding others’ feelings and intentions. Autism is a lifelong developmental disability which affects how people communicate and interact with the world. Autistic people often have difficulties with interpreting both verbal and non-verbal language like gestures or tone of voice.  Many autistic people find the world unpredictable and confusing place and they like routines so that they know what is going to happen. Anxiety is a real difficulty for many autistic adults, particularly in social situations or when facing change.

Source: National Autistic Society