Navigating Relationships

Posted on by Gregory Wood

Since my divorce I have been making an attempt at online dating to learn about different types of people. I found that most of the ladies lack some basic functioning or live with their kids. I do feel some degree of independence is needed.  I say this because I have worked hard to have what I call a degree of responsibility and keep my business in order. For years I had trouble holding jobs. I felt I needed to figure out why. Therefore I did did not believe in dating or having kids after marriage. Why create more problems and stress for myself. In my brief marriage I did see my issues due to my Asberger diagnosis that were a lot more intense than I thought they were. I could never get my ex wife to learn to work with me.   

I met several woman who seem to think that I am stuck in my ways because I have been single most of my life. This is an example of how neurotypical people (in this case a female) mislabel people on the spectrum based on their ignorance of the characteristics of individuals who are neurodivergent. They look at my difficulty with change as being stuck in my ways. No different when I had a manager tell me years ago I lacked social skills. Some people get attached to certain beliefs, for example, stuck in their ways. Not a very common aspect of finding myself on the spectrum.  

I am finding at times I really want no part of the dating world because I work hard to function while most people, I am learning, seem to just go by the seat of their pants.  

Before and during Covid I did an experiment where I got on several online dating sites. My goal was to just meet people and see the different situations they are in without getting into a relationship. I did not want to make the same mistake as in my marriage. And with Asberger’s sometimes it was hard for me to see social cues in the dating world. I met over 50 people in a 3 year period. The experience taught me to see what I am not willing to get involved with. It was interesting to learn that many people are in some interesting situations. In the end it would be best to be with a person who is like me and who understands Asbergers.  

The Three Stages of Awakening

Posted on by Peter Boger

The Therapist Corner
by Peter Boger

When thinking about change, our human belief system is programmed to think of ‘making things happen’. Change is something that is assumed to be ‘fixing’ a problem, whether losing weight, stopping smoking or drinking, or addressing things needing ‘improvement’. In other cultural traditions with different basic belief systems, change is addressed in a radically different manner.

In our way of thinking, change is perceived as happening outside of ourselves, in the world around us. The alternative is that real change only happens inside ourselves, in our own minds. Rather than finding ourselves struggling to change our world, we have the opportunity to change our view of the world, our attitude towards those things we have traditionally thought needed to be ‘fixed’.

These other ways of thinking talk about this inner change as ‘awakening’. The wisdom traditions in these cultures refer to three stages in this awakening process. The first is Purification, the second is Transformation and the third is Liberation.

The first stage, Purification, usually involves a person having an encounter with suffering which involves an experience of powerlessness sufficient to shatter the illusion of control. As in Step One of the 12 Steps, ‘We admitted we were powerless and our lives had become unmanageable’. This involves the ‘surrender’ of our ego delusion that we are separate individuals who are in charge of our lives and either ‘succeeding’ or ‘failing’ in the process. This doesn’t happen for everyone in the same way and most will live out their lives and pass on without ever having this experience of ‘hitting bottom’. So you might say Purification happens when life conspires to break through the ‘spell’ of ego, kind of like the old story of The Emperor’s New Clothes. Unfortunately, ego is very stubborn and tenacious, and without support for this new awareness, the ‘spell’ will quickly re-establish itself and the opportunity for change is lost, at least until the next Purification experience appears.

The next stage is Transformation, which is not unlike the caterpillar changing into the butterfly. As my teacher, Dr. Fritz Perls said, ‘To suffer one’s own death and be reborn is not easy’. We are all attached to our notion of ourselves and will actively seek to protect, defend and maintain it both consciously and unconsciously. Transformation involves ‘letting go’ of your old notions of yourself and opening to the discovery and realization of a ‘you’ that has been hidden beneath the surface of your ego belief system. For Transformation to proceed one needs a lot of support which the old wisdom teachings describe as ‘going for refuge’. This support is found in the teachings about this new ‘map’, having a direct connection with the teachings through a teacher, and the ‘student body’ of others who are also on the path of Transformation. As an example of how this works, in the 12 Step experience, the teachings are the 12 Steps, the teacher is called a sponsor, and the community of recovering people are there to provide a supportive ‘cocoon’ while going through the transformation from ‘addiction’ (ego insanity) to ‘sobriety’ (spiritual awakening).

The final stage is Liberation which clearly resonates with our ego notions of freedom and release from bondage. Again, here we’re talking about setting yourself free from the prison of your ego belief system. There’s a powerful metaphor in which a prisoner is in a long narrow cell in which one end of the cell has a tiny window that lets in just enough light to allow the prisoner to see; the other end of the cell is in total darkness. The prisoner stays at the end of the cell where if he turns his head just so he can glimpse a little sky out of the window, while at the dark end of the cell, the door is wide open and the prisoner can walk out to freedom at any time. When you free your mind, nothing in the world you inhabit changes, but everything is different because you now have a new ‘view’.

In my next essay I will talk more about this journey through the three stages of awakening and some common barriers and obstacles you might encounter along the way.