Autism: Man gives up on dating apps after ghosting

By Sarah Easedale, BBC News

I have experienced the same thing that Andrew has after getting on dating apps . I have been off of them for a while and wonder at my age will I ever have the experience of a like minded partner. – Greg

Andrew Edwards isn’t giving up on love despite his autism making online dating difficult. Being ghosted, misunderstood and judged is how an autistic man has experienced dating apps. Andrew Edwards, 39, said there needs to be more support for autistic adults who are looking for romance.

He has given up on online dating after six years of trying, describing them as “demoralising”. Being autistic does not mean you have an illness or disease. It means your brain works in a different way from other people. “The constant ghosting is quite confusing for someone with autism,” Andrew said.

“Due to this my moods could fluctuate quite wildly depending on replies and my stress levels were affected quite greatly.” Andrew, used both conventional and autism-specific sites, and while he says he has learned from his experience and feels “less naive” now, his experience was not good.

“If people behave like that on the street to someone, it wouldn’t be acceptable,” he said. Andrew added that scrolling on the apps also played on his “obsessional nature”, as well. Andrew and Mel’s mother Hazel died after developing pneumonia following Covid-19. Andrew requires 24-hour care from his sister Mel after his mother died after developing pneumonia following Covid-19.

“I am articulate and knowledgeable but I require 24 hour care of my sister… a lot of people just don’t get this,” he said. Andrew has a busy life. He has a close family, plays cricket and trains at the gym several times a week, as well as working part time for an autism charity. But the lack of a romantic partner weighs heavily. Andrew says there must be other neurodiverse people who feel the same as him, and says local friendship or dating groups for people on the autism spectrum could help. He has tried to set up a group himself, but faced difficulties and found it too stressful to organize. There’s a lack of support and funding for those with autism who are adults… our services are geared towards youngsters,” he said.

“I would love to attend a group that could lead to possible romantic relationships. “People don’t judge as much (in person) as they do behind their phone screen.” She says she would love Andrew to find a girlfriend, but also believes that meeting someone face to face would suit him better.

“Obviously he has got a really full life, but it would be so nice for him to meet someone special because he’s got so much to give, and he would make somebody a lovely partner. “It would have to be someone very special for them to be right for each other.” Autistic people can have difficulty “reading” other people – recognising or understanding others’ feelings and intentions. Autism is a lifelong developmental disability which affects how people communicate and interact with the world. Autistic people often have difficulties with interpreting both verbal and non-verbal language like gestures or tone of voice.  Many autistic people find the world unpredictable and confusing place and they like routines so that they know what is going to happen. Anxiety is a real difficulty for many autistic adults, particularly in social situations or when facing change.

Source: National Autistic Society

I found this article confirming to my feelings at times.   I keep to myself many times due to not getting overloaded from a sensory stand point.  Spending some time trying to date online gives me the feeling of not being in the box.  I never could play the games that one has to play in dating .  When I am just being myself it can be a lonely experience.  – Greg

BY HARI SRINIVASAN

Srinivasan is a Ph.D. Neuroscience Student at Vanderbilt, an alum of UC Berkeley, a PD Soros Fellow, a Public Voices Fellow of The OpEd Project, a Fellow at the Frist Center for Autism and Innovation, a non-federal member of NIH’s Interagency Autism Coordinating Committee, and on the boards/advisory boards of DREDF, ASAN, ASA, INSAR, Duke U’s ACE and The Brain Foundation

Loneliness has long been a pervasive issue within the disability community, growing even more pronounced as individuals age. Research indicates that, in particular, autistic adults grapple with markedly higher levels of loneliness compared to their non-autistic counterparts. Ironically, relentlessly pursuing a disabled person’s greatest sign of “success”—independence—might be the very thing that’s setting many autistics on a path towards profound loneliness and fragmented relationships.

The pursuit of self-sufficiency and the coveted ideal of “independence” are deeply American. But, even if inadvertently, it’s fueling disabled individuals’ loneliness. In her book, “The Beasts of Burden: Animal and Disability Liberation,” disability studies scholar Sunaura Taylor highlights the societal fallouts faced by disabled individuals who do not achieve this ideal of independence. Such societal consequences include economic disenfranchisement and social marginalization. But what is not being talked about is that those people who do achieve that type of independence face real costs, too.