Dating After Marriage

I have been divorced now for 2 years. Dating after marriage is very anxiety provoking for me. I did not date when I was younger like most people do and I was very naive for my age. Managing my issues and adjusting to marriage was very tough the first year. I got a staph infection due to the stress my now ex-wife caused when she moved to Idaho.  It took me a year to regain my health. It took me 4 years to gain the strength to divorce her.  Being on the spectrum I took my marriage vows very seriously, to the letter. Now I can add to those vows that it does not include abuse. I was her 5th husband and today I would never be with a person that has been married that many times. Since she was accepting of me with my Asbergers, I gave her a chance.

I did learn that due to my issues I need lots of down time in a relationship to destress. I question my ability to live with a person in a traditional way. I have now learned that I can not meet the obligations society has placed on men in general in regards to marriage.

Over the past year and a half I have been on 4 different dating sites. I met with women in different settings. I wanted to see if other women of color would treat me as my ex-wife did. I found that color does not define how a person treats another. Emotional abuse crosses all races and cultures.

I was challenged by a friend to meet 30 ladies. I managed to meet 29 ladies over a year and a half. I met some very nice women during this time. My goal was not to date any seriously but to listen and learn.

When I first started to meet women I felt motivated. I have now lost my motivation to meet a new special person. I was frustrated in some ways that the experience seemed like job interviews.  Out of frustration I put together a dating resume that helps me, like a script, on a first date, but didn’t share the resume with anyone.

My desire is to meet a person that understands Asbergers and is self-supporting. I am at a good place at this point in my life and have a lot of positive things to offer. I am struggling with how to have a friendly relationship without being taken advantage of. I am setting limits, but that may mean ending a relationship, which is probably for the best in the long run.

I have regressed to earlier in my life where I felt a lack of confidence to handle a relationship due to my challenges. I now feel a relationship is like a job that I do not qualify for. I am trying to find the middle ground in today’s dating world. Will someone choose me? I hope so, although I am different, I do not fit into society’s box, I am kind and loving.

The M Word: We need to talk about adult autistic meltdowns

I can relate to this article when I was married.   — Greg

I’m sitting at my desk at work.

It’s just after 4pm on a Thursday in the second week of August in 2016. The daylight is fading and the sky is slowly turning purple with flecks of pink. I’m becoming more aware of the fluorescent light above me and the hum of the air conditioning system continues to pulse right through me as it has all day. My heart rate rises and I start to sweat.
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The Importance of a Support Team and Why

Everyone in the world needs a support system to to share the joy during good times and in tougher times to help with challenges. How people use their support system can make a difference of a wise choice or a choice that can lead to a harder path. 

The creation of a support team was a result of of getting sick and ending up in the hospital due to septic shock and dehydration. I am grateful for my sister taking charge.  Before I got sick I was dealing with several changes in my life.    

My father passed away in January and the adjustment of his passing away meant the loss of his strength end encouragement and a place to go in Naples, Fl.  I also had to learn to manage my finances from a big picture standpoint for the long term.   

I got married to my now ex-wife the same year after dating for two years.     Within a month of getting married she lost her job at the post office as a letter carrier due to degenerative back disease.  We lived in my small one bedroom apartment while we were waiting for her to bring in some income.  I was providing support and paying all her bills. Her adult children needed help at the same time. I felt overwhelmed and then pressured into purchasing a house or larger apartment. I felt scared moving out of my apt because of the outlay of money and it was a place that my father helped me move into. My apartment gave me a feeling of being safe. During this year I felt very much alone with no support system. My wife was trying to be my support system but also creating a division between me and my family. The only way I knew how to deal with all the stress was to sleep or stay in my bed under my weighted blanket where I felt safe. I did not feel like eating or even drinking water. I needed a break from my wife due to the intense pressure, so she took to a trip. During this time it gave my brain a chance to rest. I was so worn down that I got sick and I thought it was just a chest cold. I contacted my wife who raced back because I did not want to call 911. She got me to the hospital just in time or I would have been gone.  I learned that as a person with Aspergers I can not deal with constant stress in a way that most people can. The side effects of Aspergers for me is depression and anxiety. I am very routine-orientated and need slow adjustments to new environments. Moving was a hard adjustment, but not for my ex wife.   

After I came out of the hospital my goal was to regain my health. Part of the recovery effort was creating a support system so that I was not alone. The goals of the support system has been to learn how to set limits with my ex wife personally and financially. I have a therapist who helps with emotional support, my energy healer helps support my body, which includes the proper supplements. I receive support from my financial advisor and my sister in paying my bills and insuring  financial sustainability to care for my needs over my lifetime. I receive physical therapy support in moving my body in order to reduce stress and increase confidence. The President has advisors and a support team and I have something similar. Me, like others on the spectrum are good people, kind people, but need an extra hand in the crazy world we live in.